"of, pertaining to, or characteristic of neurosis." Wow. Helpful. Don't you love definitions like this? So I looked up neurosis:
2.a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment.
Those are a little extreme for what I'm talking about, but I think you get the general picture. I'm insecure. Just like everybody else is, or pretends to be. It probably doesn't seem like it, but it's true. On the outside, I am outgoing, but on the inside I am an insecure little girl (no offense ladies). It doesn't affect me majorly, but enough that it is noticeable.
It's not like I am insecure about everyday relations - like being afraid I will say something stupid to a group of peers. I will say something that's on my mind, and if it turns out to be stupid after I said it, I'll just be like wait that was stupid, and laugh about it. But that's about it. It's more about the important things, or people I should say.
I guess that I'm worried that people don't feel the same way about me that I feel about them. Mostly that I give too much for them to give back. Or. I don't know. It's not always that black and white. But I guess another one of those age old questions is, " does he or she feel the same way about me?" The answer is probably not. I mean she can love him for this while he loves her for that. They still love each other ( whatever love is), just not for the same reasons. If that makes sense. Just like nothing is really as simple as it seems.
So in these dead hours, I am left alone with my thoughts. They are temperamental, only nice to me when they feel like it, mean occasionally for fun, but hard to understand infallibly. It is in these moments alone that the worst of me is revealed. And I know that if anyone wanted to be rid of me, I couldn't blame them for it. I really couldn't. I'm not going on about how bad of a person I am, and how much I suck, and how I don't deserve anything good, cause that's just pathetic. I'm pretty awesome sometimes. So are most people. I'm just saying that not everybody is compatible for everyone else in every situation.
I look at little things and think, "wow. she must not like me." Whatever these "things" are they could be unintentional and completely harmless , if it weren't for my stupid neurotic brain, but they could be something else. I am highly aware of the phrase, " too good to be true" and I know that it could be present in this situation. Because she's so high above me.
I know that I over think things. It's a problem of mine. But there are some things that, if they had to be put into a category of "she loves me" or "she loves me not", would definitely be put in the "she loves me not" category. But what is a man to do? Besides a whiny cryptic message. uhm. yeah that's about all. It's not that big of a deal. Just my mind wanders sometimes. I need to try to rope it in more often.
1.a functional disorder in which feelings of anxiety, obsessional thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical complaints without objective evidence of disease, in various degrees and patterns, dominate the personality.
2.a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment.
Those are a little extreme for what I'm talking about, but I think you get the general picture. I'm insecure. Just like everybody else is, or pretends to be. It probably doesn't seem like it, but it's true. On the outside, I am outgoing, but on the inside I am an insecure little girl (no offense ladies). It doesn't affect me majorly, but enough that it is noticeable.
It's not like I am insecure about everyday relations - like being afraid I will say something stupid to a group of peers. I will say something that's on my mind, and if it turns out to be stupid after I said it, I'll just be like wait that was stupid, and laugh about it. But that's about it. It's more about the important things, or people I should say.
I guess that I'm worried that people don't feel the same way about me that I feel about them. Mostly that I give too much for them to give back. Or. I don't know. It's not always that black and white. But I guess another one of those age old questions is, " does he or she feel the same way about me?" The answer is probably not. I mean she can love him for this while he loves her for that. They still love each other ( whatever love is), just not for the same reasons. If that makes sense. Just like nothing is really as simple as it seems.
So in these dead hours, I am left alone with my thoughts. They are temperamental, only nice to me when they feel like it, mean occasionally for fun, but hard to understand infallibly. It is in these moments alone that the worst of me is revealed. And I know that if anyone wanted to be rid of me, I couldn't blame them for it. I really couldn't. I'm not going on about how bad of a person I am, and how much I suck, and how I don't deserve anything good, cause that's just pathetic. I'm pretty awesome sometimes. So are most people. I'm just saying that not everybody is compatible for everyone else in every situation.
I look at little things and think, "wow. she must not like me." Whatever these "things" are they could be unintentional and completely harmless , if it weren't for my stupid neurotic brain, but they could be something else. I am highly aware of the phrase, " too good to be true" and I know that it could be present in this situation. Because she's so high above me.
I know that I over think things. It's a problem of mine. But there are some things that, if they had to be put into a category of "she loves me" or "she loves me not", would definitely be put in the "she loves me not" category. But what is a man to do? Besides a whiny cryptic message. uhm. yeah that's about all. It's not that big of a deal. Just my mind wanders sometimes. I need to try to rope it in more often.
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