Confession

My last post must have seemed emo. I didn't mean it to be. Well, maybe I did. But the point is, what the actual hard thing is, is writing this blog. My confession is this: I lost track of the purpose of this blog. I guess about the same time I was questioning purpose in general. Not the age old question of "what's the purpose of life", but rather the question of personal purpose - what I want to do with myself.

Things are basically confusing as hell now. Friendship dynamics are very backasswards now. People talking to people I never would have expected. Friendships, relationships, all f*cked up (not all the sense of bad, but different) - goes to prove that the world is not immune from turning itself on it's head individually with each new litte surprise. It's terrifying and refreshing at the same time.

I've discovered that the only people that read my blog, are people that I don't really talk to. Everyone that I would want to read my blog, doesn't, and probably won't. The people that read this, are judgemental, some of them. I know that they wouldn't approve of a lot of the things I have to say. Normally, I honestly could care less what people think. I wanted to put everything out there, but it feels kind of pointless if the only people that are going to read it are going to ridicule it, even just silently in their head.

Basically, this blog isn't going to be all that I wanted it to be originally. But that doesn't mean it can't be good, or serve it's purpose, or whatever it is that blogs are supposed to do. I had this really long post about March and how much it sucked. I'm not going to post it. Just another wasted effort. But it's okay. It really is. I'll be better about this blog. And maybe it will work out eventually. I'm making my real blog somewhere else. It will be secret. The right people can read it when it's ready.