Neurons.

I have realized that I am a slightly neurotic person. It isn't something that someone would necessarily be proud of, I just am. For those of you who don't really know what it means, here's the dictionary.com definition

"of, pertaining to, or characteristic of neurosis." Wow. Helpful. Don't you love definitions like this? So I looked up neurosis:

1.a functional disorder in which feelings of anxiety, obsessional thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical complaints without objective evidence of disease, in various degrees and patterns, dominate the personality.

2.a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment.

Those are a little extreme for what I'm talking about, but I think you get the general picture. I'm insecure. Just like everybody else is, or pretends to be. It probably doesn't seem like it, but it's true. On the outside, I am outgoing, but on the inside I am an insecure little girl (no offense ladies). It doesn't affect me majorly, but enough that it is noticeable.

It's not like I am insecure about everyday relations - like being afraid I will say something stupid to a group of peers. I will say something that's on my mind, and if it turns out to be stupid after I said it, I'll just be like wait that was stupid, and laugh about it. But that's about it. It's more about the important things, or people I should say.

I guess that I'm worried that people don't feel the same way about me that I feel about them. Mostly that I give too much for them to give back. Or. I don't know. It's not always that black and white. But I guess another one of those age old questions is, " does he or she feel the same way about me?" The answer is probably not. I mean she can love him for this while he loves her for that. They still love each other ( whatever love is), just not for the same reasons. If that makes sense. Just like nothing is really as simple as it seems.

So in these dead hours, I am left alone with my thoughts. They are temperamental, only nice to me when they feel like it, mean occasionally for fun, but hard to understand infallibly. It is in these moments alone that the worst of me is revealed. And I know that if anyone wanted to be rid of me, I couldn't blame them for it. I really couldn't. I'm not going on about how bad of a person I am, and how much I suck, and how I don't deserve anything good, cause that's just pathetic. I'm pretty awesome sometimes. So are most people. I'm just saying that not everybody is compatible for everyone else in every situation.

I look at little things and think, "wow. she must not like me." Whatever these "things" are they could be unintentional and completely harmless , if it weren't for my stupid neurotic brain, but they could be something else. I am highly aware of the phrase, " too good to be true" and I know that it could be present in this situation. Because she's so high above me.

I know that I over think things. It's a problem of mine. But there are some things that, if they had to be put into a category of "she loves me" or "she loves me not", would definitely be put in the "she loves me not" category. But what is a man to do? Besides a whiny cryptic message. uhm. yeah that's about all. It's not that big of a deal. Just my mind wanders sometimes. I need to try to rope it in more often.

I saw you the other day...

you changed your hair but you looked the same.

You've been hanging around lately. It's weird to see you. Nice I guess. But weird. It's like thinking about you and me a year ago and thinking about you and me now is really weird. It's not like I feel nostalgic, it's just that I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to act. Especially because you have all of these rules that we are apparently supposed to follow. I don't know who created these rules, but in my opinion, they suck. We should just be.

In a way, these rules are counter-productive. We have to slow things down to abide to these rules. It's like there's this road (to wherever we are trying to go with this) and there are road blocks in the middle of the road, and we have to go all the way around these road blocks as opposed to working through them. If that makes sense. Stupid metaphor?

You told me about your new guy. I asked you and you asked me if I really wanted to know. I asked didn't I? It was kind of unexpected. Well unexpected in the sense that it should have been expected but it wasn't? Now that I think about it, you said the same thing about me. I guess these sort of things happen. I wasn't upset. Just curious.

Things change. That's the way of life. But it's impossible to be totally free of any inertia.

Confession

My last post must have seemed emo. I didn't mean it to be. Well, maybe I did. But the point is, what the actual hard thing is, is writing this blog. My confession is this: I lost track of the purpose of this blog. I guess about the same time I was questioning purpose in general. Not the age old question of "what's the purpose of life", but rather the question of personal purpose - what I want to do with myself.

Things are basically confusing as hell now. Friendship dynamics are very backasswards now. People talking to people I never would have expected. Friendships, relationships, all f*cked up (not all the sense of bad, but different) - goes to prove that the world is not immune from turning itself on it's head individually with each new litte surprise. It's terrifying and refreshing at the same time.

I've discovered that the only people that read my blog, are people that I don't really talk to. Everyone that I would want to read my blog, doesn't, and probably won't. The people that read this, are judgemental, some of them. I know that they wouldn't approve of a lot of the things I have to say. Normally, I honestly could care less what people think. I wanted to put everything out there, but it feels kind of pointless if the only people that are going to read it are going to ridicule it, even just silently in their head.

Basically, this blog isn't going to be all that I wanted it to be originally. But that doesn't mean it can't be good, or serve it's purpose, or whatever it is that blogs are supposed to do. I had this really long post about March and how much it sucked. I'm not going to post it. Just another wasted effort. But it's okay. It really is. I'll be better about this blog. And maybe it will work out eventually. I'm making my real blog somewhere else. It will be secret. The right people can read it when it's ready.

I don't know when...

things got so hard.

Spring Cleaning

I have my basketball shorts and a comfortable shirt on, my beanie, and my faithful yet temperamental (concerning genre) ipod plugged in my ear. Time for that very delayed post.

I'm going through a crazy stage. A spring cleaning stage. Though it is not just spring cleaning in the usual sense. It's also a spring cleaning of the mind.

Momentary paause for some painkillers. I've been taking a lot lately. Hm. I just get headaches.

It all started (the spring cleaning, not the painkillers or the headaches) when I one day decided to look through the box of letters from my ex-girlfriend. I read, or at least glanced, through all of them. I say glanced because I couldn't bring myself to fully read through all of them. It was just really awkward. For myself. Because it was like looking at something from a different life. It would be like going back in a time machine and meeting myself. Just straight up weird. One friend suggested that I keep them so that I can read them later and it would be interesting, but I'm quite sure that if I read them later I will be filled with the same feeling of awkwardness. In the end I decided I couldn't keep them. And from that point on I decided I will clean out my room and get rid of all the stuff I either didn't need or didn't want and that began my cleaning tyrade.

One of the biggest jobs was my closet. It took a while to clean out, but some of the stuff I discovered brought back a lot of memories. Surprisingly, there were quite a few stuffed animals with stories attached. There was a...

• pink monkey: fairly unattractive and abrasive looking. a gift from my ex-girlfriend that she got at Knotts. I guess it was nice momento to prove that she was thinking about me. but I'm not really sure what I was supposed to do with it. Though I supposed that could be said about many gifts.

• frog: I don't remember where I got it. I feel like I got it from some sort of claw machine at a breakfast at a place like Norms with some friends. I feel like I had a good time.
  

• hedgehog: I won it as a prize in those games at amusement parks. Do people really want those prizes? They aren't really that great and you have to carry them around the whole time. I didn't even have a girl to give it to. But then again what girl would want a hedgehog as a gift? "Hey I like you, impale yourself on these spikes."

• a purple unicorn: a gift I bought for a girl that I never gave to her. This was a girl who I was pretty good friends with, on and off, but only because we went to different schools so exposure was limited. I don't talk to her anymore but I did before. I used to want to get with her pretty badly. I thought she was extremely attractive. Not just looks but attitude as well. This one day I was talking with her and she told me she would love me if I caught her a unicorn. So I went looking and I found this very nice looking stuffed unicorn at Toys-R-Us. Does this make me a tool or a hopeless romantic? I would prefer to think the latter. But anyways. I never really got to see her after I bought it for her. So it has been in my closet for over a year. But then I gave it away to Goodwill. $20 down the drain. Oh well. I used to want to hook up with this girl before high school ended. Which makes me either a pig or a basically any negative association girls can come up with for guys. But I don't know if its really like that. I don't want to anymore. She has been with many guys and quite possibly girls (haha jk. sorta. I know she has kissed girls before though. lol) . It was a nice little fantasy once. I'm way over it though. I have everything I need now. Plus I'm just not down.

• Jimini Cricket: When I was in 8th grade, I thought that I was smart, I thought I was cool, and I thought I was in love; I was an idiot. The person that I was enamored with was my lovely best friend (of the time). But she had some qualities that I didn't like and also I was shy and scared to tell her how I felt and passive aggressive and all of these led to fights. Eventually, I heard that she liked someone, and it wasn't me, and I was crushed. This led to a bigger fight and then we had a falling out. Months after this falling out, I was out buying christmas presents and I found this Jimini Cricket doll. I thought it would be suiting to get this girl a conscience for christmas (because I was soo witty you know?). But then after I bought it, I never gave it to her. I was partially scared, but partially I thought it would just be messed up. I still have it. So ironically it's kind of like my conscience now. I'm such a loser. Sometimes I wish things would have turned out differently with this girl, but then if it had, then my entire life would be different, and all of the good things that happened since then might not have happened. Who knows? Everything happens for a reason I believe. I'm happy and she's happy too. We were "BFF's" so I think that's what we'd want for each other.
  

So the mental aspect of this spring cleaning is all the reminicing I've been doing lately. It's like I've been processing information from the past and letting it float off into space. It's not like I'm letting everything go that has made me me, I'm just organizing my thoughts. I've traveled a long way. And I like the person I'm becoming so far. We'll see what happens.

Today was strange

Today was strange
in many a way
it may sound queer
but I just have to say

I woke up like normal
all snug in my bed
but where my feet were
there once was my head

And brushing my teeth
would have been a waste
because there was frosting
instead of toothpaste

Today was strange
in many a way
my shoes got offended
and they walked away

My shirt had a theory
that my pants were the boss
so it folded its arms
and got real cross

Just when I began to wonder
how I'd get to school
my room filled with water
like a big swimming pool

Today was strange
in many a way
the water covered my head
and my breathing gave way

To be honest, I guess
it was more like a sea
because there were hundreds of fish
swimming around me

Then I woke up
it was just a nightmare.
But then why was there a guppy
stuck in my hair?