VS.

Life is driven by conflict - both external and internal. In this important stage of my life, I find that I am mired with internal conflict; however, it may just be that I am more aware of it now. There are several different wars waging in my head right now. Fortunately, none of them are horribly wretched, they just give me something to think about.

• Doing what is right vs. what is easy

• Keeping the balance vs. upsetting the balance to do "the right thing"

• Living in the present vs. trying to preserve the past

• Listening to my heart vs. listening to other people

I realize that those are extremely vague, but that is the best way I could categorize it so that it made sense. Perhaps people with similar troubles will understand. I was thinking about a few others over the past couple of days, but I can't remember any of them now.

Many of my conflicts depend on knowing what the right thing to do is. That's why the second bullet point has parenthesis around the (right thing). The point is, I don't know what the right thing to do is. I thought I did, but then when I told others, they didn't feel the same way. Basically, I wanted to tell someone something, because I felt obligated, but I don't talk to them anymore. Most of my friends said that it would be a bad idea to start up a conversation with a person I haven't talk to in three weeks just to give them some bad news. I bet it's pretty easy to guess what it is.

In the end it all comes down to one decision, one question: do I want to have this person in my life anymore? I don't know. There was a time when I couldn't imagine myself asking this question. But things change. Is it possible to avoid change? To avoid losing someone? Is it possible for someone to go from being one of the most important people in your life to being someone you don't talk to? Is any of this up to us?

Stalling is always a good method to cope with the problems you can't really deal with. I have other things to worry about right now. I have decided to deal with this later, though later may be too late. I guess in that sense I have made my decision. The present comes before the past.